wondering

I've been doing a lot of wondering lately. (No surprise there, haha) Along the same general theme, that pretty much all my thoughts seem to follow.

I wonder often about my future. Especially just next year. I wonder about my jobs. I wonder about dance. I wonder about my family and friends. I wonder about my music and about a million other things.

But I think, maybe, I've been wondering about the wrong things. More over, I think I might be applying the wrong definition of "wonder".

If you look up wonder, the first, and most often applied definition is, "to think or speculate curiously." But the second definition is, "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel."

"And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too? I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You
See me through"

I heard this song by Superchick the other day, and it was just enough to make me think. Where she sings "The wonder of it all, is You", once again, revelation smacked me upside the head like Sara's dog runs into their glass door.

I've been focusing on the wrong aspects of everything. Worrying more than hoping. I took Jesus out of the equation again. I can wonder about it all, but in that wondering, it should be more of an expective wondering.

But more than that, I need to keep "wondering" about Jesus. To not forget that he holds all my dreams, my fears, everything, just in the palm of his hand. He's got everything figured out. And because He loves me, it's going to turn out great. No matter how uncertain things look.

[He's amazing.]

And that's where my wondering should be.

To Be? Or Not To Be?

A lot of times I just feel like I can do anything very well. I mean, don't get me wrong, yes I am talented, but I'm no master of any of those talents. I feel more like a jack-of-all-trades. I can do a bit everything decently, or even good, but not great.

Like musically for example. I can play the piano, some guitar, a little trumpet and drums and a tiny little bit of violin. But I'm not super good and any of them. Piano is probably my best, but I don't even compare to most of my friends.

I guess that's what it all boils down too. I never feel like I can compare to anyone else. I can't play the piano as good as Sara. I can't dance like Amber. I can't play my guitar like Austin and Matt. I can't write like Cheri and Sara. I can't draw like Holly. I can't sing like Steph.

It just seems that everything I do, I can never be "best" at. Or even close to it.

People have told me that I can be 'jealous', but that's not really it. I don't get jealous, but being the uber perfectionist I am, I just compare myself to other people and feel lacking.

But Jesus told me something once. He said that no matter what I did, even if it was only slightly good, as long as I put my heart into it, that was all that mattered. I may never be famous for any of the songs I write, but for ever single one I have written, I've poured my whole self into it. All my emotion-all the talent that I posses has gone into them.

That's how Jesus measures. Not to the ability that someone else can do, but to what you can do. If all you know how to draw is a cat, then you draw that cat. For Jesus. And it'll make him smile. That's more beautiful to him than da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

So no, I can't play like Sara or Wendy. And I'm nowhere near as good at art as Hannah. But there is one thing I can be best at.

Being me.

And in being me, I'll do everything I can. To the very best that I can. Because that is what matters to Jesus.

It's big... and it's blue?

Sometimes I really just want to get lost in the sky.

To dance with the stars, and float with the clouds. To explore the very edges of it's vastness. To see what really makes the sky blue. I wonder what it would be like to paint a sunset on the distant horizon. To just lose myself in it.

I don't know, but there's something about that unending blue that whispers "Come play with me!"

So on my way home, I did. I built magnificent cloud castles and dreamt up stories. I lost my self in the blueness. I had so much fun.

God's creativity is truly amazing. It's so neat how just playing with the sky can make you feel so close to God.

Maybe I'm just childish, but the sky is one of my best friends.

"Through The Days Of The Ages Gone By, Down The Hallways Of Time"

"Nothing endures but change"
-Heraclitus

I don't like change. At least for the most part. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but usually, it's not my cup of tea. Now, if it's my idea, or something I want, I can typically deal pretty well, but when you have to fix habits, attitudes, or even just adjust to new situations, change can be really hard.

To make things worse, everything is always changing. Nothing ever stays the same for very long. And it always seems that right when you finally get used to something, it HAS to change. But you know, change is a really good thing too. Especially if you just embrace it.

I learned that the hard way.

So lately, I'd been in sort of a funk. It was driving me crazy! I'd get irritated real easily, and I was just never totally happy. There was always something bothering me. I never could figure it out either. Which in turn, made me even more irritated. It wasn't until one day, Tuesday June 8th specifically, that I realized what was wrong.

When I was little and back when we lived in our old house, I had four neighbors, Andrew, Peter, John and Luke. All boys, all crazy, one family. They were my best friends and between the seven of us, our ages had a pretty neat staircase effect going on. We were the best sorts of friends; the ones who spent hours with eachother everyday, always playing together after supper, imagining way too many make-believe games, melting army men, and swimming away our summers. Some of the best memories ever.

The best part? Even after we moved across the city, we still had four best friends. Sure we don't see eachother as much anymore, and we don't make up as many games as we used too, but the time we do spend together is precious. We're still making incredible memories.

But on Tuesday, June 8th, my buddy Andrew left for basic training. He had joined the army.

Sitting on my bed that afternoon, I cried for the first time in a really long time. It's one thing when a cousin you don't see very often joins the marines. But when your childhood friend, the person who's always been around does?Well, it's a different sort of game.

For me, it was more than just my friend going away for awhile. It was the changing point. The one that said "See? Things really are changing. You thought things would always just be the same. That you'd wake up, go to school, come home, and see your friends. But that's not how it is."

It was a major wake up call. And I realized, that for all the time leading up to that moment, I had been dreading it. I had thought, that since I couldn't make things not change, if I didn't accept it, it just wouldn't happen.

My world crashed around me that afternoon. I missed my buddy.

But Jesus met me. He showed me that it's okay. That it's just a part of the story. That things will change, but He's still there. Because if things didn't change, we'd never grow, we'd never get to know Him better.

And now? Well now I'm okay with it :) I know that God's got it all figured out. And so I'll just take His hand, and dance with Him through the passing ages, knowing it's going to be beautiful.

And, I'll send Andrew a card every week.

Through Valleys And Mountains

So I was working on a song the other day, and in it, there's this line, "Through valleys and mountains, vaster than oceans, Your love goes further still" that completely caught me off guard today. Lemme try and explain why.

Back in January, God began to work some HUGE renovations on my heart, and my soul. Things drastically changed for me, in that I saw God in a whole new light. I had so much revelation concerning His heart, His people, and just about Him in general. And for the next few months I ran on a supernatural high. God was just so overwhelming, and his presense-intoxicating. It was one of those "Jesus is the only thing I know right now" kind of experiences. Sort of like walking on water.

But you know how nothing ever stays perfect for long? lol

I was on to some major revelation about Jesus and some hardcore truth. Satan doesn't like that. Spiritual warfare hit. And it hit hard.

Things weren't the same. It was more and more difficult to feel God, to hear His voice. And to complicate things, when I asked Jesus about it He reminded me of a word I got for a friend- that the next season of their her was going to be different. That God was handing her a challange, wanting to know how bad she wanted Him. He wanted to know how far she would go, how hard she would try, and how much she was willing to give of herself to have Him. It was a dare. And a dare He set before me as well.

That was NOT what I wanted to hear. Not in the least bit. I just wanted it to be me and Jesus; just like it had been before. I didn't want to be "stretched". I longed for the deep intimacy we had before. But I felt so far away. I still knew eveything I did before. I knew He had a plan, I knew He does what's best, I knew He loved me. But that didn't mean I had to like what I was going through.

I got mad at Him, lol. And I told Him exactly how I felt. (which I later repented for :P) (and in another sidenote, God's pretty amazing in how He handles all our craziness. Just sayin') I really was mad though. I was upset that things had turned out they way they had. I didn't understand how things could get away from being that amazing. I figured it would last a long time.

Before I go on, there's something else I have to say.I was reading throught some of my previous notes, back when I was on that awesome high, and in one of them I found I wrote this (regarding oneness with Jesus):

"But it's not some sort of magical "knowing" or anything that suddenly happens over night, but the beautiful fruit of sweat and blood, of hard work. Because you really have to want to know Jesus like that. You have to completely surrender to Him (That brings up a whole other train of thoughts, but I'll save that for another day) and you have to really, really love His word, read His word, spend time with Him. Because that's who He is."

"But the beautiful fruit of sweat and blood, of hard work."

And once again, revalation slammed into me like those birds slam into the glass doors in the windex commercials.I had asked for it. Literally! I wanted Jesus to bring me even closer. And guess what He did? He put that "fruit of sweat and blood, and hardwork" into play. I mean, sure, I messed up a few times a long the way. But He knew what He was doing.

And it wasn't until today that I finally began to put all the pieces together. Because when you're standing in the middle of a messy room, you can't see how everything is ever supposed to be clean again. You just start where you're at. Piece by piece; little by little. And eventually, you start to see it like God does. 'Cause not only is He right there helping you with every single little detail, but He's also on the outside looking in. He sees the big picture :) And He'll do whatever it takes, to make it the very best that it can be.

Even if you have to go through the 'valleys and mountains'. Because y'know, His love really does go further still.

Relentless

So I was reading this earlier:

Your salvation requires you too turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down, in complete dependence on me...

But God's not finished.

He's waiting around to be gracioius to you.

He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.

God takes the time to do everything right—everything.

Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones.

Oh yes, people of Zioin, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over.

Cry for help and you'll find it's grace and more grace.

The moment He hears, He'll answer.

Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, He'll keep your teacher [the Holy Spirit *hint hint*] alive and present among you.

Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road."
-various verses from Isaiah 30

And I got to thinking...

You see, I often wonder about the future and what'll it'll look like. Or how it'll turn out. All sorts of things like that. But the thing is, I have no clue what it'll look like. At all. Except that it's going to be an amazing adventure bcause I'm gonna let God write my story.

But until recently, I figured that I played a part in that. That a lot of it depended on me. I thought if I messed things up, or chose something God wasn't choosing, that I'd screw up all His plans for my life. That there would be no going back or any way to fix it. I figured that God would show me what I should or shouldn't do when the time came, but until then, I should just hang back. If I didn't do anything, I couldn't mess things up.

Boy was I wrong.

Jesus has shown me that it really doesn't matter what I do, or don't do. He's got it all figured out. And no matter how much I screw up or hit the nail on the head, it won't change anything. Because He loves me. And those He loves He blesses.

I can actually do the things I want to do. I don't have to give up all the things I like or the things I enjoy doing. I don't have to go shave my head and pray in a monestary for weeks on end. I can just be me. He can use that.

I can even totally, completely, horribly mess up, and it'll still be beautiful.

Because Jesus is in me. And He's gonna make everything work out. Sure I'm going to try real hard and not mess up. But if I do, and I will—it's okay. He'll get me through every valley, over every mountain, out of any maze. And it's going to be great.

"There's nothing better than good music and a cup of coffee with friends"

Hey all! Got some sweet news. Looks like Sara and I are gonna be opening for our friends' band Sunsets To Speak Of. They're pretty awesome. So you should think about coming. Even if it's just for a good ole cup o' Joe. We'd love to see you there!!