A Paradox of Personalities

Just recently I've started discovering who I truly am. And the Julia I find doesn't bother me as much as I thought she would. So many times I've thought I was one kind of person only to think later that I was just the opposite and it bothered me. But what I've realized is that I'm not just one type of person - I'm a bunch of types... a paradox really.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm a bipolar emotional mess, going from one extreme to the other, even though sometimes it seems that way :). But more so, that deep down, I'm a complex person. You see, I've always thought I was a very simple person- It's the simple things that make me smile, laugh, love, be angry or sad, and I like that. But aren't the most complex things really made up of simple things? Maybe all those small things added together, intricately connected make me, me.

I probably contradict myself, a lot. But I think that's just who I am. Not bad contradicting either, just opposites. I don't want to be afraid to be different... not just different in one way, but every way. Some days I want to be quiet. Other days I want to be outgoing. Sometimes I want to be a leader, other days, a follower. I like to be cool at some times and a complete dork at others. I just want to be me. I don't want to be stereotyped, by anyone. I don't want people to expect me to be just one way, because I don't think I can. Not if I really want to be all that Jesus has called me to be.

There are so many different sides to my personality. I don't think I've let many people see them all either. I’m not sure. I think I’ve been afraid. Afraid that if I was truly me, people wouldn't like me. Maybe it was the fear of false expectations. Of thinking that people expected be to be a certain person. But really, my family and friends have only encouraged me to just be me. I'm sorry guys. For not being all that I thought I could.

Now, after I’ve said all that, there are two things in particular that God has recently taught me through all of this.

The first thing Jesus is showing me, is that it’s okay to be a paradox because isn’t Jesus like that? He’s a warrior and a peacemaker, a teacher and a listener, a judge and a friend. He brings beautiful from ugly and good from bad. He asks us to be broken, because that’s when we’re whole. If that’s not contradictory, I don’t know what is.

Second, He’s is showing me that it doesn't matter what other people think. He delights in me. In who I am- the Julia deep down inside me. He's showing me that it's okay to be different, to just be me. No matter what that different looks like or what people think of it. As long as it honors Him and points people to Jesus.

That’s what it all really boils down too. If I be the person that God created me to be- contradictions and all, keeping Jesus as my center, I’ll point people to Jesus.

That’s the wonder of it all, because people are often afraid to be people. Humanity is stripped away when everyone tries to be like everyone. Maybe just being me will let others see the Jesus in me since He’s the one who gave me that freedom. If I live my life only worrying about pleasing God, I’m living in reckless abandon. Shining like a city on a hill. Just being Jesus.