christmas. amazing because it is.

Well it's Christmas Eve! Can you believe it? It's amazing how time flies.

I've sure been thinking a lot about Christmas this year. So much so, that I actually got all my Christmas shopping done, gasp, early. Shocker right?

I have been think about Chritmas more than just that, though.

From what I've noticed people see Christmas two ways. One, just a happy, family-oriented, gift-giving holiday. And two, waaay dramatizing the birth of Christ.

I was listening to a song earlier-Amazing Because It Is, by The Almost 

Here are the lyrics: 

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me

I've been marching to every part of me

Just to see

see

Why you need me to be

The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saves a wretch like me

I once was lost

And now I'm found

Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive

I'm the type of guy that lets it drive

Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy

I'm lost without you

I need you

I need you

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saves a wretch like me

I once was lost

But now I'm found

Was blind but now I see

As I was listening to this, some vague and distant thoughts kind of came into focus. See for me, when I think of Christmas, yes I thought of the whole 'Jesus coming to earth, goodiness' but for some reason, it never was like "BAM! AMAZING!" and I wondered why. And how many other people felt like I did?

I mean don't get me wrong, I really appreciated and saw the significance of that night, long long ago. It just never struck that one chord in my heart like I thought it should.

And that song I mentioned? It's not the most amazing song in the world, and definitely not Christmas-y, but here's what I realized.

Once again, it's all about love.

And God. Who is love. Everything he is. His magnificence, his glory, his holiness, his forgiveness, his loyalty, his determination, his wisdom, his dreams, his heart- his love. Everything, everything, became evident when Jesus came into our world.

It's not so much about how he came, or all those things, even though those are really important, but it's about Him.

I wish I could put emotions into words. Because this feeling is so amazing. That's why that song spoke to me.

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me"

quite delightful

You know, there's just something so beautiful about being excited! It's such a lovely feeling. One of my favorites actually.

And if you couldn't already tell... I'm feeling rather excited right now!

Would you like to know why?

Well, I just found out that my "older brother" is flying in from Ecuador for my graduation!

So yes, I'm super duper excited.

The last time I saw Manuel was several years ago. I've missed him quite a bit.

When he first came to the United States, he stayed with my family as a foreign exchange student. That was a LONG time ago. BUT!
He's coming back to see me graduate!

I can't wait!

coming home

Gosh, some days I really love Bible class. Days like today. Where all the events and thoughts leading up to now, finally come into focus, and everything suddenly makes sense. Well, almost totally makes sense.

I can't believe it's already been a month since I blogged last. I was blogging several times a week! But I blinked, and now it's mid-November and my last post was weeks ago.

It's been a crazy month though. A cycle of busy routine, and monotonous weekly patterns. I mean, sure, between a couple jobs, going to school every day, trying to accomplish a million and half things, plus remembering to eat and sleep AND care about people, It would make sense that I was starting to get a little frazzled.

But it didn't.

Although, after today, things are finally starting to click. I lost sight of the Prize. I wasn't seeing Jesus. I forgot:

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
-Romans 8:26-28, The Message.

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you."
-Isaiah 43, NIV

I've been feeling quite out of my own self, like an animal skin being stretched across a peg board. Except I was only watching it happen, in a sort of connected way.

But as we talked today, Jesus really hit me. (Again. I mean, He totally messed me up this morning, but I'll blog about that another time.) I was reminded of the things that really make me who I am, and the things that define my life. Not how quickly I can make a latte, or perfect my plie is, or if my homework is done exactly right. Not how people think about me, or how I relate to every person I meet.

Because if I just be Jesus in those things, the excellence and the right response will follow.

Yet, in that, it's the things like spiritual authority, having a warrior's heart, dancing out my prayers, and believing the unseen, that define my world.

After a season of just getting through, it's so good to come home.

i talked to jesus today

"It's harder to break a proud person than it is to redeem a broken one."

Jesus told me this while I was walking earlier today.

But I don't really have much to say about it.

I'm not sure what I would say.

So I'll just let it speak for itself.

Let the Holy Spirit talk.

 Because, really, there's not much more I can add.

Just remember, "it's harder to break a proud person than it is to redeem a broken one."

little bitty pretty things

Sometimes, I think God uses the smallest things

to really get ahold of our attention.

It doesn't always have to be a huge life changing moment,

or some climatical event.

Just the small things.

More often than not, if we look for the small things, we'll see beauty. No matter how bad things are, or how hopeless situations are, or merely how boring something is. It's the small things that make a difference.

They're that little bit of light in the dark. That small something that suddenly makes everything seem not so overwhelming.

Like the rainbow reflecting off glass. Or the light in the mirror.

It's just one way Jesus says "I love you."

the eternally missing link

I was sitting at youth group tonight, and I was contemplating all the different essential things that God has taught me, trying to figure out which one would be MOST important.

So I thought about how it all goes back to Love. But Surrendering is also a huge aspect of things. Obedience too. And Disobedience and Rebellion = a big no-no. All the "essential" aspects of being a mini-Jesus.

I suppose that technically, they're all "essential" because they're what define God. And HE is essential.

I guess the confusing thing to me, is that I know somehow, some way, all those "essential" things are connected. That there is something my mind just can't totally wrap around. That "missing link".

And I know that it's Jesus.

I also know, that I'm not going to be able to fully understand it until I get to heaven.

Because Jesus, and the reality of who He is, goes way beyond our comprehension- no matter how much we study His life and His word, no matter how well "we know Him". Because until the veil is completely removed, we will never completely understand all the depth that is Jesus.

And guess what?

It'll take all of eternity for that veil to be removed.

wondering

I've been doing a lot of wondering lately. (No surprise there, haha) Along the same general theme, that pretty much all my thoughts seem to follow.

I wonder often about my future. Especially just next year. I wonder about my jobs. I wonder about dance. I wonder about my family and friends. I wonder about my music and about a million other things.

But I think, maybe, I've been wondering about the wrong things. More over, I think I might be applying the wrong definition of "wonder".

If you look up wonder, the first, and most often applied definition is, "to think or speculate curiously." But the second definition is, "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel."

"And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too? I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You
See me through"

I heard this song by Superchick the other day, and it was just enough to make me think. Where she sings "The wonder of it all, is You", once again, revelation smacked me upside the head like Sara's dog runs into their glass door.

I've been focusing on the wrong aspects of everything. Worrying more than hoping. I took Jesus out of the equation again. I can wonder about it all, but in that wondering, it should be more of an expective wondering.

But more than that, I need to keep "wondering" about Jesus. To not forget that he holds all my dreams, my fears, everything, just in the palm of his hand. He's got everything figured out. And because He loves me, it's going to turn out great. No matter how uncertain things look.

[He's amazing.]

And that's where my wondering should be.

To Be? Or Not To Be?

A lot of times I just feel like I can do anything very well. I mean, don't get me wrong, yes I am talented, but I'm no master of any of those talents. I feel more like a jack-of-all-trades. I can do a bit everything decently, or even good, but not great.

Like musically for example. I can play the piano, some guitar, a little trumpet and drums and a tiny little bit of violin. But I'm not super good and any of them. Piano is probably my best, but I don't even compare to most of my friends.

I guess that's what it all boils down too. I never feel like I can compare to anyone else. I can't play the piano as good as Sara. I can't dance like Amber. I can't play my guitar like Austin and Matt. I can't write like Cheri and Sara. I can't draw like Holly. I can't sing like Steph.

It just seems that everything I do, I can never be "best" at. Or even close to it.

People have told me that I can be 'jealous', but that's not really it. I don't get jealous, but being the uber perfectionist I am, I just compare myself to other people and feel lacking.

But Jesus told me something once. He said that no matter what I did, even if it was only slightly good, as long as I put my heart into it, that was all that mattered. I may never be famous for any of the songs I write, but for ever single one I have written, I've poured my whole self into it. All my emotion-all the talent that I posses has gone into them.

That's how Jesus measures. Not to the ability that someone else can do, but to what you can do. If all you know how to draw is a cat, then you draw that cat. For Jesus. And it'll make him smile. That's more beautiful to him than da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

So no, I can't play like Sara or Wendy. And I'm nowhere near as good at art as Hannah. But there is one thing I can be best at.

Being me.

And in being me, I'll do everything I can. To the very best that I can. Because that is what matters to Jesus.

It's big... and it's blue?

Sometimes I really just want to get lost in the sky.

To dance with the stars, and float with the clouds. To explore the very edges of it's vastness. To see what really makes the sky blue. I wonder what it would be like to paint a sunset on the distant horizon. To just lose myself in it.

I don't know, but there's something about that unending blue that whispers "Come play with me!"

So on my way home, I did. I built magnificent cloud castles and dreamt up stories. I lost my self in the blueness. I had so much fun.

God's creativity is truly amazing. It's so neat how just playing with the sky can make you feel so close to God.

Maybe I'm just childish, but the sky is one of my best friends.

"Through The Days Of The Ages Gone By, Down The Hallways Of Time"

"Nothing endures but change"
-Heraclitus

I don't like change. At least for the most part. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but usually, it's not my cup of tea. Now, if it's my idea, or something I want, I can typically deal pretty well, but when you have to fix habits, attitudes, or even just adjust to new situations, change can be really hard.

To make things worse, everything is always changing. Nothing ever stays the same for very long. And it always seems that right when you finally get used to something, it HAS to change. But you know, change is a really good thing too. Especially if you just embrace it.

I learned that the hard way.

So lately, I'd been in sort of a funk. It was driving me crazy! I'd get irritated real easily, and I was just never totally happy. There was always something bothering me. I never could figure it out either. Which in turn, made me even more irritated. It wasn't until one day, Tuesday June 8th specifically, that I realized what was wrong.

When I was little and back when we lived in our old house, I had four neighbors, Andrew, Peter, John and Luke. All boys, all crazy, one family. They were my best friends and between the seven of us, our ages had a pretty neat staircase effect going on. We were the best sorts of friends; the ones who spent hours with eachother everyday, always playing together after supper, imagining way too many make-believe games, melting army men, and swimming away our summers. Some of the best memories ever.

The best part? Even after we moved across the city, we still had four best friends. Sure we don't see eachother as much anymore, and we don't make up as many games as we used too, but the time we do spend together is precious. We're still making incredible memories.

But on Tuesday, June 8th, my buddy Andrew left for basic training. He had joined the army.

Sitting on my bed that afternoon, I cried for the first time in a really long time. It's one thing when a cousin you don't see very often joins the marines. But when your childhood friend, the person who's always been around does?Well, it's a different sort of game.

For me, it was more than just my friend going away for awhile. It was the changing point. The one that said "See? Things really are changing. You thought things would always just be the same. That you'd wake up, go to school, come home, and see your friends. But that's not how it is."

It was a major wake up call. And I realized, that for all the time leading up to that moment, I had been dreading it. I had thought, that since I couldn't make things not change, if I didn't accept it, it just wouldn't happen.

My world crashed around me that afternoon. I missed my buddy.

But Jesus met me. He showed me that it's okay. That it's just a part of the story. That things will change, but He's still there. Because if things didn't change, we'd never grow, we'd never get to know Him better.

And now? Well now I'm okay with it :) I know that God's got it all figured out. And so I'll just take His hand, and dance with Him through the passing ages, knowing it's going to be beautiful.

And, I'll send Andrew a card every week.

Through Valleys And Mountains

So I was working on a song the other day, and in it, there's this line, "Through valleys and mountains, vaster than oceans, Your love goes further still" that completely caught me off guard today. Lemme try and explain why.

Back in January, God began to work some HUGE renovations on my heart, and my soul. Things drastically changed for me, in that I saw God in a whole new light. I had so much revelation concerning His heart, His people, and just about Him in general. And for the next few months I ran on a supernatural high. God was just so overwhelming, and his presense-intoxicating. It was one of those "Jesus is the only thing I know right now" kind of experiences. Sort of like walking on water.

But you know how nothing ever stays perfect for long? lol

I was on to some major revelation about Jesus and some hardcore truth. Satan doesn't like that. Spiritual warfare hit. And it hit hard.

Things weren't the same. It was more and more difficult to feel God, to hear His voice. And to complicate things, when I asked Jesus about it He reminded me of a word I got for a friend- that the next season of their her was going to be different. That God was handing her a challange, wanting to know how bad she wanted Him. He wanted to know how far she would go, how hard she would try, and how much she was willing to give of herself to have Him. It was a dare. And a dare He set before me as well.

That was NOT what I wanted to hear. Not in the least bit. I just wanted it to be me and Jesus; just like it had been before. I didn't want to be "stretched". I longed for the deep intimacy we had before. But I felt so far away. I still knew eveything I did before. I knew He had a plan, I knew He does what's best, I knew He loved me. But that didn't mean I had to like what I was going through.

I got mad at Him, lol. And I told Him exactly how I felt. (which I later repented for :P) (and in another sidenote, God's pretty amazing in how He handles all our craziness. Just sayin') I really was mad though. I was upset that things had turned out they way they had. I didn't understand how things could get away from being that amazing. I figured it would last a long time.

Before I go on, there's something else I have to say.I was reading throught some of my previous notes, back when I was on that awesome high, and in one of them I found I wrote this (regarding oneness with Jesus):

"But it's not some sort of magical "knowing" or anything that suddenly happens over night, but the beautiful fruit of sweat and blood, of hard work. Because you really have to want to know Jesus like that. You have to completely surrender to Him (That brings up a whole other train of thoughts, but I'll save that for another day) and you have to really, really love His word, read His word, spend time with Him. Because that's who He is."

"But the beautiful fruit of sweat and blood, of hard work."

And once again, revalation slammed into me like those birds slam into the glass doors in the windex commercials.I had asked for it. Literally! I wanted Jesus to bring me even closer. And guess what He did? He put that "fruit of sweat and blood, and hardwork" into play. I mean, sure, I messed up a few times a long the way. But He knew what He was doing.

And it wasn't until today that I finally began to put all the pieces together. Because when you're standing in the middle of a messy room, you can't see how everything is ever supposed to be clean again. You just start where you're at. Piece by piece; little by little. And eventually, you start to see it like God does. 'Cause not only is He right there helping you with every single little detail, but He's also on the outside looking in. He sees the big picture :) And He'll do whatever it takes, to make it the very best that it can be.

Even if you have to go through the 'valleys and mountains'. Because y'know, His love really does go further still.

Relentless

So I was reading this earlier:

Your salvation requires you too turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down, in complete dependence on me...

But God's not finished.

He's waiting around to be gracioius to you.

He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.

God takes the time to do everything right—everything.

Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones.

Oh yes, people of Zioin, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over.

Cry for help and you'll find it's grace and more grace.

The moment He hears, He'll answer.

Just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, He'll keep your teacher [the Holy Spirit *hint hint*] alive and present among you.

Your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road."
-various verses from Isaiah 30

And I got to thinking...

You see, I often wonder about the future and what'll it'll look like. Or how it'll turn out. All sorts of things like that. But the thing is, I have no clue what it'll look like. At all. Except that it's going to be an amazing adventure bcause I'm gonna let God write my story.

But until recently, I figured that I played a part in that. That a lot of it depended on me. I thought if I messed things up, or chose something God wasn't choosing, that I'd screw up all His plans for my life. That there would be no going back or any way to fix it. I figured that God would show me what I should or shouldn't do when the time came, but until then, I should just hang back. If I didn't do anything, I couldn't mess things up.

Boy was I wrong.

Jesus has shown me that it really doesn't matter what I do, or don't do. He's got it all figured out. And no matter how much I screw up or hit the nail on the head, it won't change anything. Because He loves me. And those He loves He blesses.

I can actually do the things I want to do. I don't have to give up all the things I like or the things I enjoy doing. I don't have to go shave my head and pray in a monestary for weeks on end. I can just be me. He can use that.

I can even totally, completely, horribly mess up, and it'll still be beautiful.

Because Jesus is in me. And He's gonna make everything work out. Sure I'm going to try real hard and not mess up. But if I do, and I will—it's okay. He'll get me through every valley, over every mountain, out of any maze. And it's going to be great.

"There's nothing better than good music and a cup of coffee with friends"

Hey all! Got some sweet news. Looks like Sara and I are gonna be opening for our friends' band Sunsets To Speak Of. They're pretty awesome. So you should think about coming. Even if it's just for a good ole cup o' Joe. We'd love to see you there!!

Searching For Love

Wow. Lately, Jesus has been working some major renovations on my heart. And while all this reconstuction is going on, I figured, that is, Jesus figured, that I should share something. It's a song.

I have no clue why I'm putting this up, other than that while I was sitting here, the idea struck me. Out of absolutely nowhere. And ususally that means Jesus is talking. Sure enough, He was. So here it is.

Most of the songs I write, are birthed out of some experience or another that I've been through. This one, called 'Searching for Love' is about looking for Jesus. Yeah, I've known Jesus pretty much my entire life, yeah, I'm only sixteen and I "don't really know what it's like to be in love" But that pretty much pales in comparison to what I've been through. You don't get really, truly, lost-in-love sort of close to Jesus, without going through Hell itself first. I've had my highs, and definitely my lows. There've been times I felt so lost and wondered if God even existed- because how on earth He could leave me searching, after I'd been so close. But all those times, all those deserts, they only brought me closer, and closer. To the point, that now, I can't imagine not having Jesus.

This is my song, well one of them, that is still my hearts cry. Sure I've found Him, but even now, I want more Jesus, and I'll fight for it. Forever.

This is just a rough version, and not the greatest quality, but yeah. Hope you like it.




I’ve been everywhere looking all around, searching for something I still haven’t found. There’ve been many times the going got real tough, but I’m still running hard ‘cause this life sure ain’t enough, No. Without You I’ve been lost, without You there’s no me, just an empty shell of who I ought to be. It’s not the same without You, please don’t get me wrong. I need You in my life, it’s why I sing this song. Oh. (chorus) I’ve been searching for You long into the night, I won’t give this up without a deadly fight. I’ve been searching through the night. I won’t give up without a fight. No. This life it holds no meaning if you’re not there beside me.There’s no point in living if we could never be. It’s only You I live for and it’s for You I’d die. Can you hear me searching? It’s my heart’s cry. Oh. Chorus. ‘Cause You’re the only One for me ‘Cause You’re the only One I’ve dreamed. Chorus

A million, zillion thoughts, all crushed, crammed, jampacked and compacted into one litte post. Well, maybe not so little.

I've been thinking lately. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes that's a bad thing. But regardless of whether it's good or bad (Although I'm leaning more towards the 'good' side this time) I thought I'd share a little of whats been rampantly racing through my mind. 'Cause there sure is a lot. And I'm pretty sure my head's gonna explode real soon if I don't get at least some of it out.

Well, the thing that seems to constantly occupy the most, and oftenest of my thoughts is this: Jesus. Simple as that. But ya'know, He's pretty amazing. Like so incredibly-awesome-and-powerful-but-still-my-best-friend-ever-not-to-mention-the-love-of-my-life-rock-your-world sort of amazing. I can't seem to get Him out of my head. (And my heart) That's okay though, because I kind of like it.

But get this, not only has He been literally consuming my entire mind, but He's been shedding some light on several different subjects. Some of which, had never seen the light of day, but desperately needed it. And some of them, well, lets just say that these concepts never entered my head before. But the weirdest thing of all? They all seem to be connected. They all keep coming around to the same thing. Jesus.

It's kind of bizarre, how so many different concepts or lessons or revelations or whatever you want to call them, can all be summed up with one word. Jesus. He's so much. So deep, yet so simple. I think it's the intricate simplicity of it all that truly blows my mind and keeps tripping me up. It's difficult to grasp. But oh so fantastic.

One of the things that He's been talking to me about lately is Oneness- true family. Not the "we are one family" sort of thing. (Though that's part of it, and it is something He's been talking to be about. A lot. More on that later) But the "Jesus/God/Holy Spirit and you as a person" sort of Oneness thing. Yeah that sounds sort of crazy and probably almost sacrilegious, but hear me out.

You know how the Bible talks about how "We are in Christ Jesus our Lord" and that "He dwells in us" and that whole thing about "Our bodies being the temple of the Holy Spirit"? (And if you didn't you should go catch up on that, it's pretty awesome) What if what the Bible says, is how it really is. When we accept Jesus into our hearts, we give Him permission to "move in". And when we're filled with the Holy Spirit, we're literally filled with the Holy Spirit. He lives in us.

But did you catch that first part I put down? The "We are in Jesus" part? Well, don't quote me on this, but what if we really are in Jesus? Like really and truly in Jesus. Because if He becomes a part of us, how can we not be in Him? (I'm not meaning that we are God or anything even close to that) But it seems that it can't work only one way, because God doesn't ever seem to work that way. He doesn't want to "own" us, he wants a relationship. Sure He came and died for us, but we have to choose Him.

Call me crazy, but I think He wants a different sort of relationship. One where, instead of constantly asking, "Okay Jesus, what do you want me to do right now?" you just know. Something where we understand His will and His heart. Because we're so close to God, so lost in Him. So much so, that His instincts become our instincts, His ways become our ways, His breath becomes our breath, and His very blood runs through our veins.

But it's not some sort of magical "knowing" or anything that suddenly happens over night, but the beautiful fruit of sweat and blood, of hard work. Because you really have to want to know Jesus like that. You have to completely surrender to Him (That brings up a whole other train of thoughts, but I'll save that for another day) and you have to really, really love His word, read His word, spend time with Him. Because that's who He is.

I don't know if I'm doing this any justice. I can't quite seem to get what I'm thinking into words, but it's pretty close. Oh well, I'll let Jesus do the talking. :)

So yeah, that's just a tiny little taste of the things on my mind. Pretty crazy huh?


"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men"